Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hoarders: Azeroth Edition - Bad Romance

If you are the type that blushes easily, you may wish to refrain from reading the rest of this post at work! Generally though the content is safe for public pleasure. *Shifty eyes and a sly grin*

Good evening fellow Hoarders. This week we shall be getting a bit, how do you say...saucy? I'd like you to /afk for a moment to slip into something more comfortable while I go collect the glasses and a bottle of my finest Dalaran drink. Please, make yourself at home.

This edition of Hoarders is all about the Steamy Romance Novel series. So don't be shy. Kick back, pop on some Barry White, and relax with a glass of wine. I assure you that we'll have a good time ; )


A Steamy Romance Novel
As Nahni glided up, the grizzled warrior gave her a hard stare.  "I suppose you're here to collect the reward for killing those murlocs?"

Her eyes wandered down to the glowing broadsword at his side.  "That depends on what the reward is, Marcus."  She twirled her hair playfully, pretending not to notice how he shifted uncomfortably in her presence.  "I may not want it."

Marcus stepped toward her, bristling with a mixture of fear and anger. "The reward is not negotiable!"  He paused for a moment while gathering his nerve, and pressed himself against her diminutive form.  Their lips met hotly, melting her frost armor spell in a torrent of sweltering vapor.

"So, is there another step to this quest?" she teased, her eyes glittering with excitement.

<This goes on for several hundred more pages, without advancing the plot.>

A Steamy Romance Novel: Forbidden Love
Ah'tusa crept silently through the massive underground tunnel, nervously looking over her shoulder in anticipation of the fast moving tram.  "Where is he..." she muttered angrily, stopping suddenly as something moved behind her.  Her eyes narrowed dangerously as her dagger slid from its sheath.

A husky voice echoed in the hollow chamber, "I thought rogues liked to be behind their target."  She spun quickly, driving her blade into a shield of impenetrable force.  "And I thought paladins were supposed to be chaste." she replied with a confident smirk.

Leaning forward, she counted out loud until the invisible bubble dissipated with an audible pop.  "Twelve seconds?  I know you have abilities that last longer than that."

Bony fingers worked effortlessly beneath his armor, unlatching his breastplate and exposing him to the cold air.  "Don't worry my sweet Marcus, that's not a finishing move tonight... I'm just getting started."  He wrapped his arms around what remained of her waist, forcing an excited giggle as he nibbled at her neck vertebrae.

<The rest of the book has several sections that are apparently worn out from repeated readings.>

A Steamy Romance Novel: Northern Exposure
The tiny gnome peered over the railing into the secluded Dalaran courtyard.

"The view from the balcony is amazing.  You have to come see!"

Armor legplates creaked as Marcus walked over, taking in a deep breath as he absently scratched his scruffy chin.

"The Hero's Welcome is no slouch.  And there's something in the room that might interest you."

Tavi bounded into the room, pausing only a moment before jumping onto the massive bed.  She turned to gaze at Marcus with her huge saucer-like eyes, narrowing them playfully and replacing her glowing smile with a diabolical grin.

"Interested in some more company?" she purred as her hands weaved through a complex summoning ritual, stopping only when she felt the warmth of a new presence behind her.

All color drained from Marcus's face as he struggled to protest.  "I... I don't think that's appropriate."

Confused, Tavi turned to see what was wrong.  A hideous fel hound stood ready, drooling onto the floor as it stared intently at the half-armored paladin.

"No!  No that's not what I meant." she stammered as she dispelled the hungry demon.  "I'm sorry, that's not really my specialization...."

Marcus took both her hands in one of his as he reassured her, "It's fine.  What is your specialization?"

Her head snapped up, eyes burning with renewed life as shadowy energy channeled through her hands into Marcus, dropping him to his knees in agony.

"Affliction, actually."

Gritting his teeth, Marcus gestured as light flashed over him, restoring his strength.

Tavi stared anxiously as he rose to his full height, engulfing her in his shadow.  He thrust his hand forward, sending a wave of righteous force through her.  Eyes rolled back as she wavered for several seconds before regaining consciousness.

"I've recently taken the path of... retribution."

The mischievous smirk returned to her face, "Well then, this is going to be fun."

<The remaining pages have a level 99 requirement to read.>

A Steamy Romance Novel: Blue Moon
Tail swooshing and hips swaying, the curvy figure walked purposefully across the lake toward the man resting by the shore; rising quickly as she approached, he appeared visibly happy to be in her presence.  Blue arms flowed over his shoulders as a smooth tail coiled seductively around his waist.  "Why must I travel so far to be meeting man like you?"  Her voice carried a strong, alluring accent.

Grinning wildly, he gently pushed her away, openly staring as the light caught her features.

"Up here!", she exclaimed in playful anger.

With a helpless shrug, he reached into his pack and pulled out a small pouch.  "My wonderful Soola, I've brought you something."  Confidence wrapped his words like a steel blanket.

She plucked the tiny bag from his hands, excitedly pulling it open and revealing a citrine pendant.

"Oh... Marcus, you shouldn't have."

The usual teasing was gone from his voice, "Every facet lights the sky, and my heart, with your beautiful reflection."

Soola frowned.  "Uh... no. I meant you really shouldn't have.  I could craft something better by accident."

For the first time, possibly ever, Marcus looked hurt.  His shoulders slumped slightly, the cocky, ever-present grin missing from his handsome face.

Soola opened her mouth to speak, smiling warmly; a glowing rune appeared above her eyes.  "I don't think I can mend your feelings, even with my Gift."

Despite the statement, her words seemed to do the trick, Marcus smirked roguishly as he adjusted his leg plates, "Well you aren't the only gifted one."

Silence penetrated the room with palpable force as the conversation shifted to the language shared by all races of Azeroth.

Minutes became hours, until their passionate dialog was interrupted by lightning streaking from the cloudless sky, thunderously slamming into the lake's surface and bathing them in steam.

"Is something wrong?", Marcus asked.

"No my Marcus, you're just off to a great start."

The remaining pages have been thoroughly destroyed by the elements.

~Warning Cataclysm Spoiler!!~

A Steamy Romance Novel: Big Brass Bombs
The tough little goblin walked purposefully into the engineering shop, raising her eyebrows at a few items as she approached the shopkeeper.

"How's it going, Jack?"  Her voice seductively brushed his pointy ears with the rough texture of someone who inhaled too much motorcycle exhaust.  

The goblin called Jack looked up and grinned.  "Revi!  It's going much better since you just arrived."  Jack set his arclight spanner on the table.  "What can I do ya for?"

Holding her elbow in one hand, Revi tapped her chin lightly.  "I'm not real sure.  Ya got any specials?"

"Are you kidding?  I've got the best deals anywhere!" Jack replied enthusiastically.  "Just got these in this morning, in all sorts of colors.  Small red rockets, got some in blue and green too."  Revi's disappointed look was not missed by the expert shopkeeper, and he quickly upped the ante.  There was a loud 'thud' as Jack dropped something on the table, "I call it The Big One," he said.  "It's goblin only, very difficult to find."

"Nice, very nice," Revi said, sounding unconvinced.  Her eyes wandered a bit.

"Okay, fine.  I can see you're a goblin of superb taste."  Jack looked around conspiratorially before carefully laying out a new item, buckling the table with an ominous creak.  "It's called..." Jack paused for dramatic effect, "The Bigger One!"

Revi's eyes widened in surprise.  "Is that... is it... real?"  

Feeling the advantage, Jack allowed himself to relax a bit.  Putting his hands behind his head and leaning back in his chair, he replied with lazily narrowed eyes, "It's 100% goblin parts, baby.  Natural resources."

After a moment of hesitation, Revi reached out and gingerly stroked the smooth yellow surface.  "I'll take two!"

"Excellent!  You know, if you like that, you might be interested in some hardened adamantite tubes.  They can enhance the effect."  

Revi nodded excitedly and looked behind Jack at something on the wall.  "What is that?"

Jack looked over his shoulder.  "Oh, those are for reviving dead people."

Revi was intrigued.  "Can they be used on someone while they're still alive?"

Never wanting to miss a sale, Jack responded without missing a beat, "Oh sure!  Tell you what.  You get all this stuff, and I'll throw in a pair of mayhem projection goggles for half price!"

Revi pulled out a sack of coins that made Jack drool.  "Why not?  Motorcycle sales have been good this year."  

As Jack quickly tallied the total, he asked, "This must be a serious raid or somethin'?"

Revi shrugged, "Nah, I got a blind date with a guy named Marcus tonight."

Jack nodded.  "What about that guy from the motor club you was datin'?"

The leather-clad goblin scooped up her bag with one arm, and held up an outstretched hand.  "He never put a ring on it.  A girl's gotta have her priorities."  

Jack smiled and shook his head as he watched her walk out of the shop.

<The remaining pages require a secret goblin decoder ring to read.>


This series, my dear Hoarders, is one of a kind in Azeroth. The Steamy Romance Novels follow a Dwarf Paladin by the name of Marcus and tell the tale of his...endeavors. There must have been one heck of a creative WoW developer who was feeling a bit frisky one night to come up with such an...engaging...gray item.

All of these books are obtained by a Rogue going around picking various mobs' pockets. Here we were lead to believe that Rogues were just after people's wallets...turns out they like to steal books from the back pockets of people as well! Northern Exposure is a bit different though, and instead of being left in a back pocket, it just so happens to be left carelessly in a Bag of Fishing Treasures that you receive as a reward from the Dalaran fishing daily. To find out more about how to acquire each of these books, please click the links that are provided on each of the novels' titles.

That's all for this week. I hope that I've left you satisfied with this edition of Hoarders...*Sexy smirk*


  1. So, I've had the Northern Exposure in my bank since I first got it doing the fishing daily but I had no clue there were more details to this juicy story. However this dwarf goes by the name of Marcus but I think its just Donkey's pen name.

  2. This series really is more like "The Diaries of Donkey", or "The Life of a Dwarvin Man-Ho: The Real Story of Donkey."

    In my mind the "Paladin" in this story is in fact a "Warrior", and he looks exactly like our Dwarf. Silly.

    Let's get this BWL stuff banged out already, then I'll power level my Rogue the next 25ish or so levels she needs to be able to pick up these books : P We will own this whole collection! I'm completely determined.