Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Turkinator

The fearless warriors gathered together on a cold, bright morning. The sun had just lumbered its way over the tree lined horizon, the grass was covered in a thick layer of hoar frost and crunched under foot. The citadel lay silently before them, unsuspecting.

Loudly and without caution the raid team began to circle the large building. They pecked at the ground with their mighty beaks, looking for sustenance and booby traps. Some of the younger warriors sparred with each other, impatient for the battle to begin. 

A pair of young assassins scaled one of the fences near the citadel, trying to gain a glimpse of what they were up against. Their eyesight wasn't terribly keen but they were able to do what they meant to do and saw what they had come to see. With ungraceful dismounts they both returned to the ground with a great *thunk*. The assassins promptly reported their findings to the head Tom. The head Tom listened intently with his scaly head cocked sideways, then addressed the rest of the flock once the report had been given.

"Hens! Toms! For years we have been hunted! For years we have been chased away from the seed and corn left for the unworthy, the deer and small birds! WELL NO MORE! Today is the day, my fellow hens and toms, that we shall claim what is rightfully ours! Today we shall put the slaughter of our kind to an end! TODAY WILL BE THE DAY OF THE ALMIGHTY TURKEY!!!" *gobblegobble*

Many loud and garbled cheers rose up amongst the ranks. The head Tom cleared his throat and continued on.

*gobblegobble* "Our assassins just reported to me that the head of the citadel is not in, nor is the secondary. Likewise the pellet gun wielder seems to have stepped out. Currently the citadel is only occupied by one boss and her small army of what one assassin claimed to be "deformed rats." Our assassins have stunned the "Saz" as they called her, but she will be aware of our presence and alert once she comes back around. The "deformed rats" are still a threat, though they seem to be contained for now and will only be loosed upon us if we allow the "Saz" the opportunity to do so." *gobblegobblegobble* "There is a guard dog, but he also seems to be locked up for the moment, thus is not considered to be a threat." *gobblegobble* "A team of ten should stay here in the front yard and occupy it in an intimidating fashion. It is your duty to distract the "Saz" while our special ops team gets to work. You two young toms, you stay up front with those eight hens. You three toms there! You, the remaining hens, and myself will head around to the back where we shall try to secure the last of the bird seed. Assassins, you two will float between the positions, but keep a special eye on the side of the building, that will be our one vulnerable spot during this operation. Questions?"

*gobble* "If I may, sir." Said a little hen. What shall we do if the "Saz" exits the building?"

The head Tom's face grew very serious. "If that were to happen," *gobblegobble* "there very well could be much bloodshed. However, we have strength and we have numbers. It is my belief that even if she were to set loose the "deformed rats" and the guard dog that our numbers would still prevail. Have heart, fight fearlessly. We do this so that our already large numbers can grow greater. We do this to ensure that your chicks and your chicks' chicks will grow fat and powerful. More fat and more powerful than even we are today. We have come for our freedom, we have come for the food, we have come for our chicks' lives, and we have come for the freedom to have the food. All the food. Sacrifices may be made to ensure the fatness of the rest. The winters are cold and harsh, do you not wish for your chicks to be fat?"

"Of course sir!"

"Don't you wish to be fat?"

"Oh yes sir!!"

"Then, let us get 'Operation: Occupy Saz's Lawn' underway. Places turkeys, we have gullets to fill!"


Meanwhile, inside the citadel (aka my house) ...

*Saz is minding her own business, chatting away on Twitter. Suddenly she hears a loud commotion outside of her window.*

"There are twenty turkeys on my front lawn." She tweets. "OMG!! TWO OF THEM ARE ON MY FENCE STARING AT ME!!!"

*Runs into the kitchen to see if they have invaded the backyard as well, which they have. Runs back to the computer and begins to type furiously."


*She then decides to take the advice of her twitmates, promptly borrowing a Frostmourne and a turkey baster.*

Yells: Come then champions, feed me your breasts!

**No wild turkeys were harmed in the writing of this story. However, had this been a completely true story, they would have been served up with potatoes, gravy, fresh bread, stuffing, fresh pumpkin pie, and more than likely carrots. I'm sure there would also have been a large assortment of various of other foods made available to those returning to the citadel later that evening or even visiting the next day.**

For the record, wild turkeys are SCARY. They really are birdzillas. If you don't know what a birdzilla is, I implore you to watch the original Homeward Bound movie. Chance is awesome.

I'd like to take a moment to thank several people, and groups of people for that matter, since it is indeed the season for giving thanks, and I never seem to feel thankful enough.

I'd like to thank firstly my little WoW crew, even though most of you no longer actually play. Without the support you have given me this past year (and more) I would have never taken up this writing endeavor, would have quit WoW itself long ago, and more than likely would still be a miserable mess. You all mean the world to me, and I love you each dearly for it.

Secondly I'd like to thank the blogging community as a whole. You all make up such a wonderful community, I cannot even begin to describe how wonderful it has been to slowly discover all of the individuals involved in it. I'd like to thank Blog Azeroth, Twisted Nether, the MMO Melting Pot, and all of the folks involved with making those sites happen. You all make the blogosphere a community, please keep up the great work!

Thirdly I wish to thank those of you who follow/chat with me on Twitter. You all are a brilliant, fun-loving bunch. You keep me entertained and are almost always ready with helpful advice and kind word. Please don't change your crazy ways, ever.

Lastly(ish) I'd like to thank my family (regardless of the fact that I'm 99% certain none of them will read this) and my "man-shapped loot" for everything they've done for me. They put up with my stubborn and sometimes completely ridiculous ways and have stuck by my side through some pretty rough crap. I'm grateful to and love you guys more than I often show.

And finally we get to you, dear reader. Just because you're last on my list doesn't make you any less important. Oh no. Without you reading these words there would be very little reason for me to write. Sure, I love a good rant to get things off of my chest now and again, but what's the point if there isn't someone to read it? To bounce ideas off of me, to show me that I made a mistake? Without readers a blogger is but someone who journals. So I thank you for taking time out of your (more than likely) busy day to read, comment, or simply just browse at my little corner of the internet. You help to make what I do worth it. Thank you!

Oh, and one more thank you must be given before I finish this post. Thank you Amerence, along with Blog Azeroth and everyone else who is involved with making this event a success, for putting out this post topic out there for greater blogging community. It took me a bit to come up with an idea, but it was rather fun to write! Really, I blame Twitter for giving me the idea. The creative credit goes to those looney buggers (I say that with the greatest affection guys and gals!) for this one. 

Once again, just because I can: thanks! : D


  1. Haha, I love it, Saz! :D

  2. Saz!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for joining us! I really appreciate it, I know you can do it! hehe, Anyway without you guys I don't know if this event would be possible at all so I can't thank you guys enough how grateful I am to be part of this great community especially to Blog Azeroth and all the fellow bloggers around the interwebz, Like others was saying It is really the thoughts you guys shared that makes this event worth reading, the Prize is just an icing as what Draccus said too.

    Anyway, Good Luck with your entry! I loved your story, Great Read!!! =) I also like to thank you for sharing your Through YOur Interface Screen shot challenge yet I still have to really finish that! lolx Happy Thanksgiving To you and your Family, God Bless always!

  3. I sneaked out of the football watching room and what did I find. A bonus story! I'm glad The Saz survived the birdzilla attack and I hope you bagged lots of breasts!

  4. @Syrco - : D

    @Amerence - I was worried for a bit that I wouldn't have anything to contribute, but the writer's block shook loose for a bit! I'm rather pleased that a few people are getting some amusement out of it : )

    I really love how many folks have participated in the TYI challenge. Fret not, I haven't quite finished it yet either : P Thanks for stopping by Amerence!

    Happy Thanksgiving to you both, and to everyone else who reads this!

  5. @TotA - Bah, you snuck a comment in on me as I was posting the last response! : P So many breasts have been bagged m'dear. So many so that I will be eating turkey for the next two weeks. Enjoy your football! (Go Pack go!)

  6. Thank You Saz! I enjoyed your story very much. Enjoy your feast.

  7. Grats Saz on the new Title and Achievement: "TurkeySlayer" I hear it awards 10 points in the Achievement Total Score. Not that it would ever be something we can use besides bragging rights.

    Speaking of bragging rights, you Soloed an entire 25Turkey Raid Team all from the comforts of your citadel. I would have loved to see you drop your totems of OPness and faceroll those feathered melee creatures.

    I do have one serious request though dear. My eyes are still bleeding from the small font on the latter part of your post. Seriously, bleeding drops of humble appreciation and sincerely thankfulness over you joining us all in the blogging and Twitterland community.

    You posts on both blogs are something that I look forward to reading daily. Keep up the great work.

  8. @Sol - It was delicious! I'm glad you liked the story : )

    @Draccus - Soloing that turkey raid was no easy feat, let me tell you. I may have scars from that one.

    Sorry about the horribly tiny font. That portion I meant to be much shorter, but as you can see it turning into a tiny scrawling wall of text. If only Blogger allowed me to choose an actual font size versus this "Big, Normal, Small" crap, it'd be less of an eye bleed. I shall bump up the text size though and keep the italics, hopefully that will satisfy both your straining eyes and my inner aesthetics obsessiveness.

    You are such a sweetheart, I'm glad that you enjoy my blog posts so much! I shall do my darnedest to keep it up : )

  9. Oh god, I laughed aloud when your first reaction to a turkey raid was to tweet about it. Wonderful post :)

  10. Well I did! That is what happens when I don't have anyone to talk to early in the morning, I end up tweeting about ridiculous things like "ZOMG TURKEY INVASION!!!"

    Glad you enjoyed the post, Akabeko : D

  11. Haha, great story! I hope you got those pesky turkeys under control :)

  12. They respawned, with adds! D :

    Glad you enjoyed the story though!

  13. A Turkey raid! lololol! Go get 'em!

    Your blog is always a delight :D

  14. Sorry, I know I am coming late to the party. Just recently started readin your blog and am ejoying it muchly (I am just not sure if you will get a message about this comment or not).

    Anyway, just wondering if this is what happens in WoW during the scheduled maintenance shut downs. You never really do you?

    Best wishes

    1. I'm glad you're enjoying the blog! It's been a long time since I've done a semi silly post list this one, I should perhaps fix that sometime soon.

      I do catch comments on these older posts, and I'm rather happy you decided to leave one on this particular post! Kind of made me giggle.

      Who knows what kind of shenanigans happen while the servers are down. Turkeys invading ICC? Murlocs having disco dance raves in Stormwind? We never will know...